Martini Momma

Smiling on a Life

I was driving to work today when it dawned on me.  Today marks 5 years since the day my mom passed away.  I think of her in big moments and in tiny details, so today's anniversary is not the one that rings the loudest.  5 years have passed in the blink of an eye and in the same breathe those 5 years have moved slowly enough that details I thought were a part of me forever have faded from sight.  I can't remember the time of day it was, I think morning.  Dad and I were there, after a long and emotionally taxing overnight spent at her side.  I can't remember what the day looked like. In my mind it was dreary, drizzling, cold and miserable...was it really or was that my mind's intepretation?  I remember her hand, I remember holding it and trying to take in every small detail.  I look at my hands at least every couple of days and try to conjure up hers to see if I inherited her beautiful hands.  I loved her hands and her nails, they always looked like they were french manicured. I can see myself overwrought with grief.  I sometimes wonder how we made it out to our cars, who drove home?  I wonder if people saw us in the elevator and knew without knowing that we had just lost our mom.  Did we cry?  I know exactly what I wore to her funeral, down to the Franco Sarto shoes I bought that I know she would have loved but what did I say in that eulogy, I have no idea.  Time heals. And while I know the pain I felt in that moment was unbearable, I can't feel it anymore.  Like labor pain, you know it was there but the ache and the intensity dulls with time to the point where you wonder what did it really feel like?  I feel a longing at times that is like an itch that I can't seem to reach.  I still find moments where I want to reach for the phone and tell her something, share one of the tiny details of motherhood that she would want to share so intimately with me.  When those moments come, they are always followed by the wave of sadness that hits me head on that she isn't here. On this day, I feel sadness, I guess being the anniversary of someone's passing is a hard thing to celebrate.  On most other days, I smile and feel a warmth and remembrance as I think of the woman that I loved so very much.  Her girls, my sister and I carry her proudly at all times.  We smile when we think of her, we make frantic calls to her beloved Bon Apetit magazine for recipes that we think may have disappeared with her.  We search madly for pictures to prove that yes, our children do bear strong resemblance to their grandmother.  We laugh about her and we find ways to bring her into our lives EVERY day.  We long for her company and we keep her many traditions alive for ourselves and for our wee ones.  November 2nd marks the start of her season, Christmas,  done only the way my could have done.  My tree will go up this week and I will be reminded, as I hang my own children's ornaments and the ones that Dad has passed onto us, of mom and the excitement she created in our home. 

I didn't know 5 years ago that time can heal a heart.  I didn't know that I would wake one day and not feel the heavy burden on my heart.  I never imagined a time where I could smile through tears. I am proud of our family, of Dad and Judy, Katie, Jerry and our newest little Ivy, of my little clan, Chad and the kids.  I am proud of our resiliance, I am proud of our bond, I am impressed by our ability to grow together in tragedy.  I am most proud that we keep Mom a part of our world, alive through the memories we continue to share.

Thanks to the Village

My long lost husband returned to us tonight, which is probably why I have a minute to sit down and type this out.  The kids want their daddy to do bedtimes for them tonight, two weeks is a long time and they have missed him tremendously.  It's funny, I was so worried about how I would manage to keep my head above water that  I never really considered that his absence might be really tough on the kids.  The last couple of days, I noticed my Ty was quite sensitive, teary at simple frustrations, not too keen on heading off to school in the morning, obsessive about the day of the week.  I think he missed his daddy fiercely and when I saw him drop the backpack and literally run to his waiting arms after school when I showed up with Daddy, as a surprise, to pick him up, I fought back a few tears myself.  The reunion tonight was filled with lots of hugs and kisses, a few presents, and lots of smiles from Dad as he caught up on what he had missed. 

I have not only a better understanding of the sheer work that single parents handle on their own but also a respect for the stamina they have to uphold to keep their lives on track.  I would say we "managed" around here, we did not thrive without Daddy but we did alright.  I didn't get to the deep down cleaning, I missed a garbage day, the van smells a bit off, Jazzy barely got walked.  I stayed up late EVERY night, thankful for just a few minutes to myself at the end of the tasks and tidying. The upside, I got into a great routine of laying out clothes, jackets, shoes, backpacks, notes, all the stuff that can send the morning out of whack in an instant.  The house was clean at the end of it all, the kids are happy, and I haven't lost my mind, I would say we are a success story.  The truth of the matter is that I have a village that always pitch in wherever they can.  My Mother-In-Law and Judy and Dad wound their way into my life over the last 2 weeks.  Elaine sent home supper one night.  Judy brought lasagna another night.  Elaine watched the kids so that I could do a whirlwind tidy one day and sneak in a photo shoot one beautiful Sunday afternoon, allowing me that few hours away from my kidlets to regroup and reboot.  Judy showed up on my doorstep one evening, prepared to do bedtimes so that I could run and take Jaz for a walk.  Elaine came to keep me company on Wednesday, bathing them so that I could organize the garbage and recycling for the next morning.  She also took one look at my elements and proceeded to dismantle my stovetop and scrub and polish the thing until it shines like I shouldn't use it again.  Dad called to announce a McDonalds delivery for the kids one evening and last night when I got home at the end of my open house evening at school, Judy was seated in a freshly cleaned and tidied house.  I found out later that she had also resocked our kids shampoo that she must have noticed we were out of.  And of course, my katie, called and visited whenever she could and I voiced the days frustrations on her more than a few times.  I used to think it was a sign of defeat to accept help, and then I heard this woman speak at a fashion show in Lee River this summer.  She was a cancer survivor and explained the help that her friends had provided to her during her battle.  It was their gift, the one thing they could offer, their time and their efforts.  By not accepting their help or by saying , like we often do, "I'm Ok, I can handle it."  or "Don't worry, I'll be fine", we are actually denying their gift.  It struck me at the time and it resonated with me this week.  I put aside my pride, I let them in, I wasn't offended and I was more than a little grateful.  Their gifts of food, time, pick-ups, and clean ups made these past 2 weeks bearable and at most times completely manageable.  To my village, thank you for all you did. 

Can My Heart Take It?

I haven't felt write as organized as I'd like to have started.  I struggle with the feeling that my little family is spreading out in a million different directions with as many small details to keep track of.  Different drop-offs, different pick-ups, rushing here and there.  There was no start to grade 1 meeting where we get to know his teacher and see his class, it feels like sending him into the unknown and I find it unsettling.  I like to keep tabs, I liked last years little kindergarten calendar, I liked knowing he was talking about shpes in class, I liked knowing that Grandma Judy would deliver him safely each day.  It's the "letting go" and I find it a bit tough. 

Yesterday, I wrapped up my cross-country teams practice early so I could get Ty in time.  I did not take into account that Henderson would be closed at the perimeter and as well at Lag.  Powerline at one end, dead body at the other.  My heart sank as I realized there was no way to make it to my boy in time.  Cars stretched forever at every turn.  I called the school in a panic but the secretary (a former colleague) informed me that he was already outside, I just missed the bell.  I drove like a maniac, imagining my darling come out of his class to find that no one came to get him.  I was there 13 minutes after the bell and although I realize that the situation was completely beyond my control, the horrendous pit that developed in my stomach did not subside.  I rushed up the walk to see my babe standing holding his new teacher's hand, sad, chewing on his shirt sleeve, sad...so sad!  I don't think I have ever felt as bad.  Here he is in the big world, second day of school, and his mom abandones him.  I scooped him up, and pleaded my case.  He is so sweet and he tried to be tough but I could tell he had been crying.  13 minutes without a mom is a long time.  He told me his friend asked "what's wrong?" and he told him "my mom is gone" and then he told me he started to cry.  BREAK MY HEART!  A great way to get to meet your son's new teacher.  "Really, I'm not one of those parents, I ALWAYS get my child."  REALLY!  Guilt will break your heart over and over so we've moved on.  Until this morning, when I felt so bad that my boy was going to have to walk to school in the torrential downpour that I called my sister (don't know what I would EVER do without you, Kate!) and asked her to drive Ty.  I'm sure it was just the after-shock of having left him yesterday but the very thought of him trudging to school, wind whipping rain pellets at his face, I couldn't take it!  I called the sitter to tell her, Ty wouldn't be coming she told me, "you know, Mollie, he won't melt in the rain".  I know.  I know.  But will my heart?

I haven't felt write as organized as I'd like to have started.  I struggle with the feeling that my little family is spreading out in a million different directions with as many small details to keep track of.  Different drop-offs, different pick-ups, rushing here and there.  There was no start to grade 1 meeting where we get to know his teacher and see his class, it feels like sending him into the unknown and I find it unsettling.  I like to keep tabs, I liked last years little kindergarten calendar, I liked knowing he was talking about shpes in class, I liked knowing that Grandma Judy would deliver him safely each day.  It's the "letting go" and I find it a bit tough. 

Yesterday, I wrapped up my cross-country teams practice early so I could get Ty in time.  I did not take into account that Henderson would be closed at the perimeter and as well at Lag.  Powerline at one end, dead body at the other.  My heart sank as I realized there was no way to make it to my boy in time.  Cars stretched forever at every turn.  I called the school in a panic but the secretary (a former colleague) informed me that he was already outside, I just missed the bell.  I drove like a maniac, imagining my darling come out of his class to find that no one came to get him.  I was there 13 minutes after the bell and although I realize that the situation was completely beyond my control, the horrendous pit that developed in my stomach did not subside.  I rushed up the walk to see my babe standing holding his new teacher's hand, sad, chewing on his shirt sleeve, sad...so sad!  I don't think I have ever felt as bad.  Here he is in the big world, second day of school, and his mom abandones him.  I scooped him up, and pleaded my case.  He is so sweet and he tried to be tough but I could tell he had been crying.  13 minutes without a mom is a long time.  He told me his friend asked "what's wrong?" and he told him "my mom is gone" and then he told me he started to cry.  BREAK MY HEART!  A great way to get to meet your son's new teacher.  "Really, I'm not one of those parents, I ALWAYS get my child."  REALLY!  Guilt will break your heart over and over so we've moved on.  Until this morning, when I felt so bad that my boy was going to have to walk to school in the torrential downpour that I called my sister (don't know what I would EVER do without you, Kate!) and asked her to drive Ty.  I'm sure it was just the after-shock of having left him yesterday but the very thought of him trudging to school, wind whipping rain pellets at his face, I couldn't take it!  I called the sitter to tell her, Ty wouldn't be coming she told me, "you know, Mollie, he won't melt in the rain".  I know.  I know.  But will my heart?

The Love Fest

Last night we celebrated Ivy's new place in this family at her shower.  It was spectacular, so many friends and family around to snuggle our new baby.  It was held in my childhood home which has now seen 2 women tastefully and lovingly adorn it.  For some guests, it struck a chord to be back in the place they haven't vsitied since losing mom but all agreed that Judy has created a warm and beautiful home for my dad and her.  Thank you, Judy, for opening the doors to this house and allowing us to celebrate in such a special place with so many memories.  Mom would have been so touched to know it was held here.

It was the first day that she hadn't napped in the afternoon, I'm sure a sign that she will likely be like her mom and auntie, too excited to sleep when there is a gala event in her honor.  Of course, my plan was to take numerous pictures and finally post a beautiful picture of my sister and didn't the photographer (me) forget her memory card.  A fancy new camera bag is totally useless without a memory card.  I toasted my sister with a few words and a few ladies told me that the words from Kate and I should make their way to the blog.  Here's a taste of the love fest last night.

"Four summers ago, I learnt that my baby sister would be returning home from Calgary.  I was ecstatic to hear that my constant nagging had finally paid off.  Not only was I thrilled to finally have her just 7 minutes away but I was over the moon to know that my kids would get to experience everyday life with their other mother, "Auntie Katie".  Katie has been a fixture in my house nearly everyday since returning home and she has seen the arrivals of her 2 nieces, Maggie and Sadie.  She has always had 3 apples in her eyes, and now 4.  She has changed diapers, wiped tears, soothed aches and refereed round after round of sibling squabbles, right alongside their own mother.  I knew without a doubt that the time would come when she would welcome a baby of her own into the mix and there was not a doubt that she would transition into motherhood absolutely seamlessly.  I waited anxiously after their wedding, subtly reminding them that Jared wasn't getting any younger and neither were my children and that a few more cousins would be very, very nice.  Then lo and behold, at the C'mon Inn in Grand Forks, that fateful pregnancy test (that I purchased) confirmed what I already knew.  A baby.  I saw that twinkle in her eye as the realization swept over her.  Her baby.

I watched her respond naturally to her pregnancy, calm, at ease with her growing little bump.  I could feel her maternal love kick in long before Ivy was ever born.  As the week's leading up to birth crept by at a snail's pace, I was sure that this little baby had to be a daughter.  I was right, as the big sister so often is.  Following a lengthy marathon of labor and a frantic emergency C-section, our little Ivy Abigail arrived.

That was 7 weeks ago.  Time has raced by this summer.  I look at you, Kate and I see a calm and peaceful mother.  Your natural ease in caring for little Ivy has resulted in a baby that rolls with the punches, even the literal punches delivered by an overenthusiastic toddler.  You choose not to parent by the book, but rather by your heart.  I am in awe and amazement at your ability as a first time mother to bend and flex in your new role.  You have taken a 1 and a half week old to Fun Mountian, you have nursed a 2 week old in a tiny sun shelter on the beach at Birds Hill Park and even when Maggie dropped an entire animal cracker into little Ivy's mouth, your blood pressure didn't rise one bit.  Where I thought that our relationship was at it's summit, I have found a new sisterhood, one with motherhood at it's core.  The phone calls that used to include trash Tv and my kids ongoing temper tantrums and outrageous antics has widened to include labor tales, breast feeding tips and sleepless nights.  Little Ivy, I waited an eternity in the waiting room for you to be born.  I will never foget your daddy's face when he told me that it was a girl and I can never articulate how my heart soared to receive such news.  My heart is filled with such unimaginable joy for the little person you are becoming, your sparkling eyes. your curious view point, and your utterly unique hairstyle.  You are the third sister in our little clan and I can already fast forward to see the trio you will form with Mags and Sadie.  I believe with all my heart that you were hand picked by your Grandma Maggie so that your mom is once again able to experience that all consuming mother-daughter bond.  A little angel you are, chosen by a beautiful woman to bring such incredible joy to your mommy and daddy. 

You are surrounded tonight, Kate, by a wealth of women that love you and welcome little Ivy with open arms.  Dad, Judy and I are so proud of the mother you have become, confident and secure in your love for Ivy.  Mom would absolutely over-the-moon in love with this newest addition, a baby from her baby.  We welcome you tonight, Ivy and celebrate lovingly your devoted and wonderful new mommy.

Cheers!"

A Celebration of Motherhood Old and New

It was a gathering of moms at our place today.  All great women that mother many.  Some old moms (not age wise but experience wise), some still in the youth of it all, trying to parent the best way they know how and one just merely an observer at this point, trying to absorb all the mommy ways before they even begin. 

My mother-in-law, Elaine, is a treasure in my life.  In her, I have a wonderful friend and supporter.  She is constantly full of praise for the life that her son and I share and I feel so incredibly blessed to share my children with her.  She giggles easily and seems to light up those around her.  My children adore her and she sees only angelic qualities in them, a trait that grandmas aquire once their own children are grown.  For her, I can see that being a grandma means the absolute world to her, it is what fills her up and then some.  She basked in the warmth of family in her son's home with her grandchildren around stealing sausages from her plate. 

Judy, my dad's wife.  While she is not blood to kids, you would not believe it.  She listens to me talk about my challenges with mothering with an attentive ear like no other.  She never challenges me or debates but listens, praises and offers subtle advice.  I appreciate her shoulder and can see the love for the children in her.  She thinks of them at all times, bringing suppers, driving Ty, even volunteering in his classroom.  For me, the mother that cannot, knowing she is there to deliver him to kindergarten and then step into his little classroom, means more than I can express.  She is grandma through and through.

Tammy is my sister in-law with 2 kids each a year older than Mags and Ty.  The cousins are like siblings, tattling at times and best of pals the next.  Tammy and I are totally comfortable with each other, like old friends or sisters.  We spent the afternoon swapping clothes for the kids, and advice about how to make life slow down just a wee bit.  Her children are examples of the mother she is and I couldn't be more proud of my niece and nephew.  Macy dotes on my little Sades as if she were a living doll and little easton could easily be Ty's best bud, who could ask for me.

My wee sis is 6 weeks away from becoming a mother herself.  Katie may be the person on this planet that knows me the absolute best.  Our relationship is NEVER strained, we talk daily, probably twice most days.  Sometimes one of us is grumpy, sometimes both but never do we fight.  I pick her up when she needs it and I know she does more than her fair share of listening to her older sister talk about the chaos that exists in my home some days, actually all days.  She never judges and always listens, not like some people listen but don't care but like she wants to know every last detail.  Besides sharing every detail of my life with her, I have shared a loss and I have more than shared my children with her.  She is the Auntie who was there when they entered this world and she has never left their side.  She will be the absolute best mommy.  She will be full of love like I cannot imagine, gentle and adoring.  I cannot wait to see her in this role.  I can't wait to return the debtload of favors and babysitting I owe her.  Mommyhood already looks so good on my dear sister.  6 weeks and counting!

There were 3 moms missing today and although we didn't all sit and talk about it,  I know we each held our memories a little closer to the heart today.  My mom, Judy's mom and Elaine's mom are all passed away and I know we each thought about them a few extra times.  "Wouldn't it be nice if they were here?  Oh, I wish they could see this or that."  Old moms or young moms, whether they were taken quickly or slowly, unexpected or expected, they are our moms and it still aches but it seems a little more acute today.  I know I shed a few tears today, emotion seemed to be right on the surface.  Moms are the center of our worlds and today I hope you all revelled in that much deserved celebration.  

Bringing Balance Home

Last night kicked off this session with a group of 11 amazing women.  As much as I am leading it, I needed it...you women will inspire me too to grow, push, and get better all around...so great to meet you and I can not wait to see how it unfolds. 

Today, I am starting a spring hypoallergenic cleanse at the recommendation of my nautropath and our meeting Friday.  It is two weeks.  I am ready ( I think).  I am excited (I am rather grossed out by the amount of food I squeezed in at The Lobby and Brunch at the Fort Garry).  I am stocked up.  Here is the nitty gritty:

1.  The diet - no allergens, therefore no gluten, no dairy, no eggs, no caffience, no alcohol, no crappy cuts of meat, shellfish, peanuts....SO yes, you can still eat fruit, veggies, many select grains (brown rice, millet, flax), nuts, organic meats, lentils etc.  It will just require some extra planning and cooking.  I like that so I am looking forward to re-connecting with that.

2.  Dry brushing to stimulate the removal of toxins from the lymphatic system

3.  Cod Liver Oil heat pack/liver soothe - NO I do not have to drink it, just rub in into my liver and soothe

4.  Sauna - 10x in 2 weeks for 30 minutes

5.  Supplements - a few simple supplements to cleanse

It seems not too bad and should have me feeling like I million bucks - check back I will report...

Oh ya, she recommends also detoxing the soul and stuff SO I happened to already have a big swap and shop party with girlfriends planned for Friday so that TOTALLY works (more details on that - would so reccommend it - planning to post photos and tips next week) and for the soul I am going to read this book seems fitting. 

How are you going to kick off this week and Spring?

BEing OK with life.

 

This is the week of WOMEN.  Celebrate good WOMEN in your life.  Celebrate your friendships and your girls nites out.  Celebrate that you can carry babies.  Celebrate your curves.  Celebrate the way you feel when you snuggle up in bed, with a good book or the remote, in flannel jammies.  Celebrate your favorite things like Tiber River's Olive Me Moisturizer - divine.  (check out their new website, so awesome).  Kath introduced me their Olive line it and I LOVE it.  Who knows, maybe it'll shave a few years off.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of having two in depth conversations with two amazing, inspiring WOMEN.  I had lunch with my friend Michelle AND I had coffee over the phone with my dad's mom.  Both of these gals are women that leave you both in awe and pondering your life.

WOMAN #1

I gather one might say that each soul is unto itself an enigma.  Michelle is a person who I have been getting to know and love more and move over the course of 8, maybe 10 years.  She continually amazes me and pushes me (in silence ) to be better.  She is as Kath might say, "Salt of the Earth."

Ironically Michelle is as low key as can be when it comes to figuring this world out.  She is relaxed and calm and has a way about her that is nurse-like.  And yet, she is always put together, she is classy and rarely would you ever think she doesn't have everything figured out, twice.

As we lunched, we talked about parenting.  We agreed that we want our children to know privilege.  ANd yet, we want to them recognize that there are many ways to be blessed and many degrees of fortune.  We talked about how we both want to provide for our children every possible opportunity but teach them to be good, humble friends.  Michelle is tough and has endured many things in her life, yet she is poised and patient.  I adore my chats with her.

WOMAN #2

Paradoxically my grandma (my whole life) also challenged me to think in ways that were out of my every day.  At 82, she is about to move into a suite.  She is jumping forward with both feet as she leaves the farm after 60 years.  I would imagine that this change would be monumental.  And yet, she is at ease and ready to go.  She calmly walked me through the farm house, room by room describing what she was packing and what she was summoning to the 'burn barrel'.  "I can't possibly leave grampa's books behind."  My grand father passed away in 1994 and still she treasures his favorite reads. 

"When people call me to ask: Are you really going to move off the farm?  I answer: Yes of course I am.  But to myself I am thinking, you already know the answer so why not let me get back to Judge Judy.  My phone is ringing with so many well wishers, I can barely get in an afternoon rest."

I surmised from our conversation that her time on the farm is over.  She has accepted that this begins a new journey for her.  And she is not only OK with it, she is looking forward to meeting new people. 

"Appreciate your todays my girl.  Nothing lasts forever."

Hmmm, that I think is perspective that can only come with life experience and age.  And as we were wrapping up our conversation, she whispered, "Slow down."  She told me that life needs not be so busy. 

"Brandi, for some life is not busy at all.  Do yoga."  and she laughed.  She signed off with love but reminded me to not judge others but appreciate our differences.  And all the while I kept thinking that there are many parallels in wisdom between these WOMEN.

That is wisdom - all in 20 minutes on the phone with a Roll up The Rim.

The perspective has changed

When I was pregnant with Sadie, I wondered, "How on earth will it be possible to manage a family with 3 young children?" "Will we ever get sleep?"  "Will we have time for us, for each other, for the oldest kids?"  It's funny, 19 months into it and we are still standing.  Last week, I spent 4 days running the household on my own.  Chad left on business bright and early Tuesday morning and didn't return until Friday afternoon.  4 mornings to organize on my own, 4 bedtimes to battle, 4 tidy ups on my own, (minus the evening my sister watched them while I attended Photoshop and came home to find a clean kitchen and living room, thank you sweet doll!) I did it. We were organized, on-time, cleaned up and bedded all successfully and without tears (near tears after a painting debacle but not quite) from me or them.  We missed Daddy but we did it, my little clan and I. 

My expectant friends and those with newborns remind me constantly about how far I've come.  If someone had told me 19 motnhs ago that I would be able to tend to all 3 of these monkeys on my own and still have my mind relatively intact at the end, I would have questioned their sanity.  I remember when Ty came home from the hospital as a newborn and thinking I cannot even take a shower with this baby. It seemed like climbing a mountain to take him in a baby carrier and go grocery shopping. I remember 19 months ago,  making meals with Ty in time out, Maggie crying at my feet and Sadie crying in my arms or better yet, nursing in my arms while I cooked.  I remember Chad walking in after work and basically tagging off, "i've had it". YOUR TURN!  We still don't sleep as much as I would like but I know that I sleep a heck of a lot more than my friend Nicole does these days.  It's in the perspective, right.  Can you imagine jumping from the way we were before kids, clean house, sane mind, evenings of friends and good times, nights of sleep to recuperate right into chaos of 3 little children, a constant whirl wind of tidying that never actually is completed and knowing that even while sleeping your time is not your own but rather a gift that your children have decided not to steal from you...not yet anyways!  Who would welcome children?  My friends remind me of the times passed and the times to come.  Reading about G learning to use the potty reminded me that I have to do all of that again.  LAST TIME!  Seeing Miss Eloise at book club reminded how free my arms are without a babe nestled in them 24 hours a day.  Life is easier since then but certainly not as warm or as cuddly.  Hearing my sweet expectant friend talk about her awaited first babe and all the changes that she is nervous about reminds me of where I started this journey.  How big the jump seemed back then and yet hear I stand, full and complete for the love of these little people.  Children take effort and time you didn't know you could spare but they also fill your heart with love you didn't know was possible.  You think you can't do without one more moment of sleep and then your youngest needs nothing more than their mama to soothe their bad dream.  You pick up the 400 hundred markers scattered across the table and even pair up the right colored lids, vowing "I will never do this again, they can do without markers!!"  And then you see the creativity that has made its way to the paper from even the youngest member and you know the markers will be right back tomorrow.  The sweating caused as you try to dress 3 munchkins in layer upon layer just so they can enjoy 5 minutes in minus 35 weather cannot be worth the effort.  But it is, it's worth every moment of torment and more just to see them in their fort.  The laundry pile cannot get any higher or more intimidating and then your kids make a fort in it.  You somehow manage a laugh instead of a cry. 

 The perspective has changed, hasn't it?  Would I do it again?  In a heartbeat.

The Pick Up

I’m on the mend, in fact, almost a 100%.  I had wanted to get up to meet Miss Nicole’s new babe and snap a few pics for her but a touch of a stomach bug ripping through the gals in our house kept me at bay.  Nothing serious, no fevers, no chills, just a violent tummy.  But we’re better...almost, just got the call, my boy is now complaining of tummy aches.

I don’t know why I have to tell this story but I find for some reason it always touches me.  I drive to pick up my boy from kindergarten each day and I often find myself stopped behind the same school bus.  The first few times the bus stopped, I noticed that the father was waiting at the end of the driveway and I thought how nice it must be to have door to door service, a bit bitterly, I admit.  As I watched the scene unfold, I knew intuitively that there was more to the situation than just an average drop off.  Each day, the dad meets the bus at the end of the driveway, he waves to the driver before he boards the bus.  A few moments later, while I am sure other waiting drivers are starting to lose their patience, the dad emerges with his teenage son.  This young man is different in some way, just the way he walks and moves, the way his dad assists him, somehow you can sense that he is a unique child.  I watch the dad and the son as they move fluently down the driveway together.  The dad with his arm on the small of his son’s back, the way he looks at his son right in the eye and beams.  You can almost reach out and touch the pride this dad feels for his boy, it’s in the way he moves him.  It moves me.  He guides him to their home and though I can’t see if the boy responds or if he replies to the words hid dad is saying, I am moved to the point of tears.  Like I said, I feel like I a witness to an intimate relationship between a father and his son each day.  It warms my heart and reminds me of the fact that we are first and foremost parents.  Our kids grow older, they change and for most of us that means that the physical help we once provided is diminished as the kids learn to stand on their own.  What doesn’t diminish is that need for touch, that need to tussle their hair, the need to hug them, that need to grab their hand and hold it whenever we can.  Seeing a dad so uninhibited by the onlookers, so full of love and nurturing, well, that is something special.  I look forward to seeing them each day and in that moment I always drive away feeling blessed to be a parent.

Life to the fullest

 

Last night, Team Parnell had the pleasure of spending the better part of a day and the night with a boy who means the world to us.  Braden.  His dad, Cam was Brent's first cousin.  10 years ago this year, Cam died suddenly.  The short version is that he was working WAY too hard and having WAY too much fun and the combination of the two worlds colliding stopped his heart at 29 years old.

Cam was very charming.  He had a smile that lit up a room.  His laughter was contagious and he was completely handsome.  When he was little he had been bite by a dog and had a tanned scar that crossed his cheek bone.  The first time I met him, he stole my heart.  I was 16.  Brent and I had been dating for two years.  I was out camping at Grand Beach with some girlfriends when Cam arrived in 'town' from Calgary. 

That weekend, I spent a lot of time getting to know this cousin who walked on water according to my Brent.  We stayed up all weekend, a large group of us, laughing, partying and getting to know one another around a campfire.

As the years unfolded, Cam grew to be an even bigger part of our lives.  Every chance we had to spend time with him, we happily freed our schedules.  One summer, Brent even moved out to Calgary to work for Cam, who managed a work crew in the oil fields.  Being the kind soul that Cam was, he insisted his little cousin live with him.  Cam gave his little cousin everything he could want.  He chauffeured him around to all of the best bars.  He introduced him to all of his friends and he paid many tabs when they were out together.

Sometime between that summer and the time that Cam and his fiancee Lisa (Braden's momma) moved to Louisiana, Cam began living larger than he life would allow.  I can vividly recall the day that I was paged to take a call in the staffroom at school.  On the other end of the line was my MIL.  She calmly explained to me that Cam had died.  She asked if I would call Brent.

Cam's death was a very tough time in our relationship.  I sobbed incessantly and my Brent internalized his pain.  Brent did a eulogy at Cam's funeral.  He flew out to Calgary with his mom.  And although I never went with him, I edited and pieced together his words.  One line that will live in my soul forever was this..

"Many people spend their lives searching for their hero.  Today, I lost mine."

Spending last night with Braden, we also had Cam in our home.  I felt him all around us.  Braden is Cam's son through and through.  He looks so much like him.  Naturally, we threw every rule out the window and let this 12 year old boy call the shots.  He was only 2 when Cam died. 

The greatest irony in this story is that Braden has become my Hud's Cam.  My little man completely idolizes Braden.  That is magical and a GREAT reminder to live for today.