I was driving to work today when it dawned on me. Today marks 5 years since the day my mom passed away. I think of her in big moments and in tiny details, so today's anniversary is not the one that rings the loudest. 5 years have passed in the blink of an eye and in the same breathe those 5 years have moved slowly enough that details I thought were a part of me forever have faded from sight. I can't remember the time of day it was, I think morning. Dad and I were there, after a long and emotionally taxing overnight spent at her side. I can't remember what the day looked like. In my mind it was dreary, drizzling, cold and miserable...was it really or was that my mind's intepretation? I remember her hand, I remember holding it and trying to take in every small detail. I look at my hands at least every couple of days and try to conjure up hers to see if I inherited her beautiful hands. I loved her hands and her nails, they always looked like they were french manicured. I can see myself overwrought with grief. I sometimes wonder how we made it out to our cars, who drove home? I wonder if people saw us in the elevator and knew without knowing that we had just lost our mom. Did we cry? I know exactly what I wore to her funeral, down to the Franco Sarto shoes I bought that I know she would have loved but what did I say in that eulogy, I have no idea. Time heals. And while I know the pain I felt in that moment was unbearable, I can't feel it anymore. Like labor pain, you know it was there but the ache and the intensity dulls with time to the point where you wonder what did it really feel like? I feel a longing at times that is like an itch that I can't seem to reach. I still find moments where I want to reach for the phone and tell her something, share one of the tiny details of motherhood that she would want to share so intimately with me. When those moments come, they are always followed by the wave of sadness that hits me head on that she isn't here. On this day, I feel sadness, I guess being the anniversary of someone's passing is a hard thing to celebrate. On most other days, I smile and feel a warmth and remembrance as I think of the woman that I loved so very much. Her girls, my sister and I carry her proudly at all times. We smile when we think of her, we make frantic calls to her beloved Bon Apetit magazine for recipes that we think may have disappeared with her. We search madly for pictures to prove that yes, our children do bear strong resemblance to their grandmother. We laugh about her and we find ways to bring her into our lives EVERY day. We long for her company and we keep her many traditions alive for ourselves and for our wee ones. November 2nd marks the start of her season, Christmas, done only the way my could have done. My tree will go up this week and I will be reminded, as I hang my own children's ornaments and the ones that Dad has passed onto us, of mom and the excitement she created in our home.
I didn't know 5 years ago that time can heal a heart. I didn't know that I would wake one day and not feel the heavy burden on my heart. I never imagined a time where I could smile through tears. I am proud of our family, of Dad and Judy, Katie, Jerry and our newest little Ivy, of my little clan, Chad and the kids. I am proud of our resiliance, I am proud of our bond, I am impressed by our ability to grow together in tragedy. I am most proud that we keep Mom a part of our world, alive through the memories we continue to share.
Beautiful post. You have me in tears.
Posted by: T | November 02, 2010 at 02:30 PM
i have had you and kate in my thoughts all day. i know today is a day that allows you to officially announce how much you miss your momma, but know how you are both admired and cherished for the ways in which you bring your mom to life each day. with much love.
b
xoxo
Posted by: The Mommas | November 02, 2010 at 04:33 PM
The beginning of November always has me thinking of you and your family. Your post is simply beautiful. Reading it, I could feel the wealth of emotion that encompases a day like today. What was nice about reading this post was I could feel your strength. You're right, time does help to heal. I know your mom looks down on her family with pride.
Posted by: Melissa | November 02, 2010 at 09:01 PM
Thinking of you guys.
This is a beautiful post Mol, & your kids are so lucky that they will be able look back one day, read these powerful words and see your strength.
Posted by: Luci | November 03, 2010 at 08:46 PM
what a perfect post about your momma - thinking of you all this week
xoxkath
Posted by: Kathryn | November 04, 2010 at 09:06 AM