Can My Heart Take It?

I haven't felt write as organized as I'd like to have started.  I struggle with the feeling that my little family is spreading out in a million different directions with as many small details to keep track of.  Different drop-offs, different pick-ups, rushing here and there.  There was no start to grade 1 meeting where we get to know his teacher and see his class, it feels like sending him into the unknown and I find it unsettling.  I like to keep tabs, I liked last years little kindergarten calendar, I liked knowing he was talking about shpes in class, I liked knowing that Grandma Judy would deliver him safely each day.  It's the "letting go" and I find it a bit tough. 

Yesterday, I wrapped up my cross-country teams practice early so I could get Ty in time.  I did not take into account that Henderson would be closed at the perimeter and as well at Lag.  Powerline at one end, dead body at the other.  My heart sank as I realized there was no way to make it to my boy in time.  Cars stretched forever at every turn.  I called the school in a panic but the secretary (a former colleague) informed me that he was already outside, I just missed the bell.  I drove like a maniac, imagining my darling come out of his class to find that no one came to get him.  I was there 13 minutes after the bell and although I realize that the situation was completely beyond my control, the horrendous pit that developed in my stomach did not subside.  I rushed up the walk to see my babe standing holding his new teacher's hand, sad, chewing on his shirt sleeve, sad...so sad!  I don't think I have ever felt as bad.  Here he is in the big world, second day of school, and his mom abandones him.  I scooped him up, and pleaded my case.  He is so sweet and he tried to be tough but I could tell he had been crying.  13 minutes without a mom is a long time.  He told me his friend asked "what's wrong?" and he told him "my mom is gone" and then he told me he started to cry.  BREAK MY HEART!  A great way to get to meet your son's new teacher.  "Really, I'm not one of those parents, I ALWAYS get my child."  REALLY!  Guilt will break your heart over and over so we've moved on.  Until this morning, when I felt so bad that my boy was going to have to walk to school in the torrential downpour that I called my sister (don't know what I would EVER do without you, Kate!) and asked her to drive Ty.  I'm sure it was just the after-shock of having left him yesterday but the very thought of him trudging to school, wind whipping rain pellets at his face, I couldn't take it!  I called the sitter to tell her, Ty wouldn't be coming she told me, "you know, Mollie, he won't melt in the rain".  I know.  I know.  But will my heart?

I haven't felt write as organized as I'd like to have started.  I struggle with the feeling that my little family is spreading out in a million different directions with as many small details to keep track of.  Different drop-offs, different pick-ups, rushing here and there.  There was no start to grade 1 meeting where we get to know his teacher and see his class, it feels like sending him into the unknown and I find it unsettling.  I like to keep tabs, I liked last years little kindergarten calendar, I liked knowing he was talking about shpes in class, I liked knowing that Grandma Judy would deliver him safely each day.  It's the "letting go" and I find it a bit tough. 

Yesterday, I wrapped up my cross-country teams practice early so I could get Ty in time.  I did not take into account that Henderson would be closed at the perimeter and as well at Lag.  Powerline at one end, dead body at the other.  My heart sank as I realized there was no way to make it to my boy in time.  Cars stretched forever at every turn.  I called the school in a panic but the secretary (a former colleague) informed me that he was already outside, I just missed the bell.  I drove like a maniac, imagining my darling come out of his class to find that no one came to get him.  I was there 13 minutes after the bell and although I realize that the situation was completely beyond my control, the horrendous pit that developed in my stomach did not subside.  I rushed up the walk to see my babe standing holding his new teacher's hand, sad, chewing on his shirt sleeve, sad...so sad!  I don't think I have ever felt as bad.  Here he is in the big world, second day of school, and his mom abandones him.  I scooped him up, and pleaded my case.  He is so sweet and he tried to be tough but I could tell he had been crying.  13 minutes without a mom is a long time.  He told me his friend asked "what's wrong?" and he told him "my mom is gone" and then he told me he started to cry.  BREAK MY HEART!  A great way to get to meet your son's new teacher.  "Really, I'm not one of those parents, I ALWAYS get my child."  REALLY!  Guilt will break your heart over and over so we've moved on.  Until this morning, when I felt so bad that my boy was going to have to walk to school in the torrential downpour that I called my sister (don't know what I would EVER do without you, Kate!) and asked her to drive Ty.  I'm sure it was just the after-shock of having left him yesterday but the very thought of him trudging to school, wind whipping rain pellets at his face, I couldn't take it!  I called the sitter to tell her, Ty wouldn't be coming she told me, "you know, Mollie, he won't melt in the rain".  I know.  I know.  But will my heart?

Comments

[staying where my hands are]

I laughed so hard when I read your post last night (as did my husband who gets to hear all the funny blog posts I happen upon).

Now I'm in tears for you! Hang in there, if any of us knew how hard parenthood was going to be there would be no one left on this earth in my opinion.

[Shauna]

Nothing worse than mother's guilt! But what a treat for Ty to get driven by Auntie Katie this morning! Remember we can never love them too much.

[Melissa]

As I read your post, I thought something similar to what Shauna said....mother's gulit - the worst kind! Stay strong and always remember, you're an incredible mother!