Martini Momma

Farewell, Mommas and Martinis

Well, the day has come. 

It's been in the works for a while but the big day has arrived.  The day that I, too, am saying farewell to The Martini Mommas.  I like familiarity, I like being comfy, I don't look for change if I don't have to.  I hang on to my favorite jeans long after they stop hugging the right places, I would have driven my favorite old civic forever had the front tire not fallen off, I don't stray far from my bob haircut with the straw colored "natural" highlights.  That's me, I like what I like and I like when it feels like home.  That's how this site has felt to me.  I loved being a part of the trio of mommas.  I loved every moment that I shared with Brandi and Kathryn and I loved the wealth of women that weighed in on anything from illness to discipline, fitness to food.  Home, that's how I felt.  Brandi moved on to a beautiful blog all her own, a place to grow that incredible writing style she has and Kath's blog turned into a business that suits her coaching talents beautifully.  They have found new homes and despite bringing my sister on board with me to share this corner of cyberspace with me, it just never really felt like home to her.  We were no longer the mommas and frankly, we prefer wine to martinis any day of the week.  We came to the conclusion that we love this forum, we love sharing stories, we love the idea of moms sharing and commiserating at times.  Mostly, we love being able to share our kidlets with all of you, it's a journal of sorts that we want to carry on.  We need to find a new home.  We have to say goodbye to the Martini Mommas.  Come along for the ride, there is a new passenger and a new home. 

Farewell, Martini Mommas! 

Hop on board and ask yourself, Are We There Yet?  and save this link to your favorites http://arewethereyetblog.typepad.com

See you there!

And the little one said.....mama

My littlest baby is near and dear to my heart these days.  Literally, she would spend every moment if she could, snuggled up in my arms.  I went for a run the other day and the little turkey spent 45 minutes in her daddy's arms wailing and calling out for her "mama".  It doesn't stop when the lights go out.  This morning, she woke at 5, after a fitful sleep peppered with coughing fits.  I felt a nudge to my back to rouse me and tell me, "she's calling for you".  Ain't that convenient?  I went and though I tried to sneak out without her in my arms, the moment I closed the door and heard the muffled whimper of a babe in need of some snuggles from her mom, I was putty.  I took her into my bed and though I was up till all hours working on something EXTREMELY EXCITING that I am dying to show you all, I was actually quite content to bring that little darling into bed.  I held her so tightly and would have gladly held on to that moment forever.  The truth is at her age, you don't really know how many of those middle of the night mama calls there are going to be.  Ty hasn't had one in years and Mags, well, frankly she prefers her Daddy's snuggles.  So, I'll take the love and adoration from my wee-est little babe and I will enjoy these fading moments of being her number 1.  Frankly, I'm just as in love with her.  How could I not be?

On a side note:  What can I do for a coughing 2 year old?  Nothing?  She is up all night coughing her brains out, what is there for her?  Suggestions?

 

Remembering Mom

You said it beautifully Mol! One of my friends asked me this morning how I was dealing with this day.  The truth is, it's not the day that brings me sadness, it's the events and time that she's missed that leave a hole in my heart. 

I remember the details of that morning like it was yesterday. It was so ugly outside in the days leading up to her passing, but on that particular morning, the sun shone brightly as if to say it was time.  I remember feeling like I was going to pass out in the elevator after getting the call to bolt it back to the hospital.  I remember running down the hallway only to be greeted by my sister who told me that I was a moment to late. I remember how beautiful and peaceful she looked for the first time in months, and I remember an overwhelming sense of relief inside myself. Our unbearable pain was over, at least in watching her suffer. The real pain and the journey of healing were just about to begin.

When I used to think of mom, the first memories that would come to mind were the ones in the hospital. The amount of time we spent on the third floor of HSC waiting, watching, and sobbing was almost too much for the human soul to endure.  I still have a hard time driving near the hospital as every time we entered that building we didn't know if that day was going to be our last.  Over the years those particular memories have dwindled and the fabulous ones have prevailed. Mollie was right, the time has gone incredibly fast, yet painstakingly slow in the same breath. Every time I hear an Elton John song on the radio or catch a glimpse of her when I look at myself in the mirror, I wonder if it's her saying hello and reminding me that she is always here.

If you would have asked me five years ago if I thought I was going to be alright, my answer would have been no.  Although a huge part of my heart is still missing, I can say with conviction that I am in fact okay.  Some people close their hearts so that they avoid feeling the pain, while we instead have chosen to celebrate mom's life and think about her often. Obviously my greatest sadness is that mom never had a chance to meet my precious Ivy. It pains me to think that when she is old enough to understand, she will wonder why she never got a chance to know her Grandma Maggie. It is my responsibility and desire to make sure she knows that nobody would have loved her more.

I still feel as if some things in life are unfair and I will never understand why this happened to our particular family. As we still go through some of mom's things, you realize that those items are just that, things.  The important part of my life is the memories I have and will always share with my sister and the kids. The traditions mom has passed on to us, and the importance of family in our lives will continue to live on.  I think of where we were then, and where we are now and realize how incredibly hard the process has been. The trait my mom passed to her girls that I am most grateful for is her strength.  I try to think of what she went through and although I can't even imagine, I know now that I can get through anything.

On this day, I remember a woman who was taken from us to soon, a woman who loved her girls more than life itself, and a woman who's beauty will never be forgotten.  I sit here with a smile on my face and share just a few (I could go on and on) of my favorite memories of my mom.....

-I remember sitting in the Valley Room at the downtown Eaton's store waiting and waiting and waiting for her to finish her coffee while we made lists of what else we needed to do.  (I realize now that I'm a "list" girl and that I drink coffee even slower than she did)

-She always made sure I had a blanket and a pillow whenever I was sitting or lying on the couch and us being warm enough was always her first concern. (That explains my obsession to make sure Ivy is always cozy)

-I remember napping with her in her bed every day before Kindergarten. (She took the year off from teaching to spend with me)

-I remember getting love notes in my lunch kit as a girl, and still receiving those notes in the mail as a woman after I moved to Calgary. (I am not lying when I say they came weekly even though I talked to her daily)

-I remember that she never got angry with me or judged me for any decision I made. She reminded me daily that what she loved most about me was the fact that I marched to the beat of my own drum.  (My dad not so much!)

-I remember her telling me everyday of my life how much I meant to her and that is the memory I love most!!

 

 

 

 

Smiling on a Life

I was driving to work today when it dawned on me.  Today marks 5 years since the day my mom passed away.  I think of her in big moments and in tiny details, so today's anniversary is not the one that rings the loudest.  5 years have passed in the blink of an eye and in the same breathe those 5 years have moved slowly enough that details I thought were a part of me forever have faded from sight.  I can't remember the time of day it was, I think morning.  Dad and I were there, after a long and emotionally taxing overnight spent at her side.  I can't remember what the day looked like. In my mind it was dreary, drizzling, cold and miserable...was it really or was that my mind's intepretation?  I remember her hand, I remember holding it and trying to take in every small detail.  I look at my hands at least every couple of days and try to conjure up hers to see if I inherited her beautiful hands.  I loved her hands and her nails, they always looked like they were french manicured. I can see myself overwrought with grief.  I sometimes wonder how we made it out to our cars, who drove home?  I wonder if people saw us in the elevator and knew without knowing that we had just lost our mom.  Did we cry?  I know exactly what I wore to her funeral, down to the Franco Sarto shoes I bought that I know she would have loved but what did I say in that eulogy, I have no idea.  Time heals. And while I know the pain I felt in that moment was unbearable, I can't feel it anymore.  Like labor pain, you know it was there but the ache and the intensity dulls with time to the point where you wonder what did it really feel like?  I feel a longing at times that is like an itch that I can't seem to reach.  I still find moments where I want to reach for the phone and tell her something, share one of the tiny details of motherhood that she would want to share so intimately with me.  When those moments come, they are always followed by the wave of sadness that hits me head on that she isn't here. On this day, I feel sadness, I guess being the anniversary of someone's passing is a hard thing to celebrate.  On most other days, I smile and feel a warmth and remembrance as I think of the woman that I loved so very much.  Her girls, my sister and I carry her proudly at all times.  We smile when we think of her, we make frantic calls to her beloved Bon Apetit magazine for recipes that we think may have disappeared with her.  We search madly for pictures to prove that yes, our children do bear strong resemblance to their grandmother.  We laugh about her and we find ways to bring her into our lives EVERY day.  We long for her company and we keep her many traditions alive for ourselves and for our wee ones.  November 2nd marks the start of her season, Christmas,  done only the way my could have done.  My tree will go up this week and I will be reminded, as I hang my own children's ornaments and the ones that Dad has passed onto us, of mom and the excitement she created in our home. 

I didn't know 5 years ago that time can heal a heart.  I didn't know that I would wake one day and not feel the heavy burden on my heart.  I never imagined a time where I could smile through tears. I am proud of our family, of Dad and Judy, Katie, Jerry and our newest little Ivy, of my little clan, Chad and the kids.  I am proud of our resiliance, I am proud of our bond, I am impressed by our ability to grow together in tragedy.  I am most proud that we keep Mom a part of our world, alive through the memories we continue to share.

What a Weekend

Another weekend come and gone and I'm still wondering where September went. Jared was out on Friday night so I put Ivy down early, poured myself a glass of vino, and curled up on the couch to watch Sex and the City 2 (again). Much to my surprise, our first snowfall arrived while I was comfy downstairs.

Saturday we spent as a family, catching up on some much needed sleep. We took in Ty's first hockey game (great job), took the girls for a long walk in the park, made a great pasta for dinner, and spent another night on the couch, this time watching The Social Network (definitely recommend).

Sunday brought Ivy's first Halloween. What a monkey!! She had the best seat in the house, curled up in her stroller, fast asleep, wrapped up warm and cozy.  Jared and I walked along side the Kaatz clan as the kids ran door to door collecting candy. I can't believe how much they've grown up since last Halloween!!

 

A little craziness getting out the door.....

The night finished with us raiding the kids candy even after I promised I wouldn't.  Today kicks off the countdown to Christmas, the best part of the year for my sister and I. What a great weekend!! I'm already counting down the days till Friday.